HOAs...gotta love 'em!

I've been in my new home now for over 4 years. This is my 2nd home since marriage and it was cool watching something being built from the ground up. I was also excited about being a part of a HOA (home owners association). I had faith that I would be in a community of people that wanted to maintain the quality of our neighborhood and the value of our homes. Yes, I believed in the video loop that was played in the model homes of the mature tree-lined streets with people riding their bikes, walking their dogs and visiting each others homes. What I've experienced so far, is:

• The rumbling, beeping and whizzing of construction machinery
• Unsupervised children riding their bikes in the alley, across my yard and through the construction sites
• My vehicles being so consistently covered with dust, that I'm beginning to think it's a new car color
• Neighbors who signed the HOA agreement that no cars are to be parked on the street, yet they own more cars than their 2 car garage can hold
• Unproductive annual HOA meetings that are little more than a "gripe fest"
• Division residents that act like mobile radio stations, whose bass bumps so loud it vibrates the windows of my home

Considering the fact that all of the homes in my division have yet to be built, my hopes for the "video loop" neighborhood doesn't look so good. On the plus side, my immediate next door neighbors are AWESOME people and the entire division is very diverse. Looks like, when I get on my feet, I'll definitely have to get more involved with our HOA.

Why I Don't Go To Church

Please read this article before you proceed. (Thank you JEJ for the link.)
Why I Don't Go To Church by Wayne Jacobsen © Copyright 2010 Lifestream Ministries

Wayne Jacobsen could have not articulated my thoughts any better in that article! That is EXACTLY where I am in my life right now! I'm not into locking myself in an organized church right now, however, I wouldn't necessarily say that to a new person in Christ either. Some people need that...some don't. Some people thrive in that environment...some don't. Unfortunately, most people would see me and my spouse as "rebellious"...because we're going against conventional "bible teaching"...but if Jesus were alive here on Earth today in bodily form, I think most people would think him to be a disappointment because I just don't think He'd spend ALL his time hanging out in a million different churches. He'd probably be preaching under a bridge with the homeless...or on the corner at 2am with the prostitutes...ya know...places where "Christians" don't often tread.

My largest spiritual maturity growth spurt did not occur in a church. I learned more about the love and compassion of Jesus when I was an early 20-something, in college, driving a green '72 Ford Torino and hanging out with neighborhood kids at midnight in the middle of St. Joan Of Arc Catholic Church parking lot. I sometimes feel like being attached to a church body for a certain amount of years, made me cautious about people who called themselves Christians, jaded about church "leadership" and defensive toward certain so-called Christ-like leadership attitudes, characters and traditions. Me and my Torino saw the pain of life that Jesus probably saw. I hung out with the kids that churches didn't pay attention to...maybe because they didn't go to church because they had no ride or no "church" clothes to wear. I worked for a not-for-profit, Christian youth organization and I hung out with Father-less boys and hyper-sexually active girls who were using abortion as a form of birth control. I drove a 15 passenger van where I confiscated weapons in the glove compartment, sped away from gang fights and picked up kids drunk, high or whatever...and I loved every single one of those kids! Life for me moved very fast in those days...I went to church, grabbed the Word and went! No time for church politics or drama. Ahhh...those were the days.

Having said that, I DO get why people go to conventional churches. I get it...I really do. It serves as different things for different people. For those who grew up in the 1930's 40's, 50's and even 60's, it's a "social" meeting place. It was the one place that Caucasians allowed African-American's to congregate. To this day, my parents (who are age 78 and 80) still keep tabs on their church "friends" by whether they were in church on Sunday or not. To them, if you're not in church, something must be wrong and you can guarantee someone will be giving you a call to make sure you're alright. For some it's a weekly "filling station". After feeling like they've been beaten down by life, Sunday is a day of refreshing for them. For those who lived lives that were wild, unchaste and immoral, it is a safe alternative environment away from that unfruitful life. See? I get it!

I am a church baby (aka child born and reared going to church every single week), who had no "wild child" moment in her teens and whose 20's were rather docile. My 20's were spent in the youth ministry, growing spiritual, dealing with health challenges, and learning how to define Jesus Christ (and what He is really about) and trying to avoid "churchdom" and "churchisms" and crazy "church folk". There's a HUGE difference...HUGE!

At this point in my life, again, I'm in a huge spiritual growth spurt. God is teaching me love, understanding and compassion like I've never known it before...and this is while not being able to attend a whole church service in almost 1.5 years. I'm learning a different aspect of the love of Jesus Christ without being inside of church walls because I haven't been able sit upright in a pew comfortably without losing the feeling in my leg or toes in almost 2 years. At times noise and light caused even greater pain. Did the church come to me? In the form of very few people and a couple of friends...but there was still an expectation for some that if I could only make it to the church all would be better. Uh...no. Me making it to the church would have probably made THEM feel better and given the appearance that all was fine...that is all. So, what has happened since? With the church? Nothing. Am I still spiritually maturing? Absolutely! This whole physical experience is new, frustrating and making me more dependent on Jesus and making me love my husband more than I ever have before in life...and I truly thank God for that!

So...am I ever going back to church again? Of course!!!! Will I join a "conventional church body" ever again? Who knows? :)

Doctors! Can't Live With'em...Can't Live Without 'em!

Where the heck did the phrase, "bedside manner" come from...and how did it get to be associated with doctors and nurses? For this to be such an important part of their interaction with patients, I still find doctors who appear to have no clue as to what it is. For instance, I once had a family physician who didn't really want to touch me. At first I took it personally...until another male family member went to the same physician and got the same treatment. After two visits, I moved on and sought another family physician. That dude was just creepy. Then there was the nurse whose hair and make up was so perfectly done, she didn't want to mess them or her manicure up by actually helping me wash up after I had surgery. The other day, I experienced a physician who kept trying to tell me what I felt and what I didn't. Wow...know THIS was new. I've never had anyone tell me, "You shouldn't feel anything there." or downplay MRI results that another physician saw as a major problem. It seemed like everything I would say to this dude, he'd downplay it, like it was really nothing. It's really nothing...but there's a surgical procedure that could possibly correct it up to 70%?!? This dude was S-T-R-A-N-G-E!

Well...it looks like I'm going "under the knife" once again. I'll be undergoing a cervical discectomy and I think this will be the 9th surgery I've had. I'm hoping it will be as "easy peezy" as "Dr. Downplay" says it will be. I'll have a scar that I can't hide and I was told my voice would become deeper (Ha!) but as long as it takes the pain away, I can deal with sounding like a female Barry White. :)

Body Breakdown

I had a personal motto; when you think your life is boring, start doing stuff for somebody or something else. My motto didn't make room for what to do if you're not "able bodied". My body has been going through major trauma for almost 3 years now. The most frustrating thing is when I KNOW I've done all the right things, such as:
1. Surgery for weight loss - Fail. Stomach is still small but food is not staying in my stomach long enough to breakdown, so I'm getting straight calories.
2. Raw juicing - Fail. Dietitian says raw fruits contain too much concentrated sugar.
3. Whole Wheat products - Fail. Emergency room visit diagnosing an anaphylactic reaction to wheat cut wheat-based products off my grocery list.
4. Water Aerobics - Fail. As my spine expanded in the water (which is supposed to be healthy), the herniated discs in my lumbar region rotated and pinched my sciatic nerve. [Input sarcasm here.] Great. Wonderful.
5. Physical therapy - Fail. Began strength training and 2 months into it, I began to feel a pain in my neck I had never felt before and couldn't get rid of. Result? Degenerative Disc Disease.
I could go on...but since I'm already bored with the list, I would imagine anyone reading this would be bored as well. My point is, this is the first time in my life where I've felt like I could barely do anything for myself, let alone for anyone else.
So, what is life for me right now? Doctor's office visits, medication, and pain. Prayerfully, this too shall pass and REAL life will resume. :)

Reality TV

Yes...I watch it. Why? I think it's because I find it hard to believe people really act like that. Their "reality" is so far removed from my own life, I find it hard to believe their reality really exists. But then, I think about my own reality and it's probably hard for people to believe as well. Ha!

Real Housewives of OC, ATL, NJ and NY - It's hard for me to believe that grown women still act like they're in high school. Heck! I didn't even act like that in high school. If you don't like someone, why call them your "girlfriend"...why call them a "frenemy"? If the shows show anything, it's the lack of their own emotional maturity that appears blatant in every episode.

Tiny & Toya - This reality show was the biggest surprise of them all. Before I watched an episode, I kept hearing the word, "ghetto" being thrown around alot. Fortunately, what I saw was two young, single mothers, attempting to keep their families together through various illnesses and/or addictions. These two young women seem to have more maturity than most of the Housewives.

Kendra - Sloppy.

Jerseylicious - Stupid but the oddity (e.g. big hair, too much make up, fake nails, tight clothes and a fascination with leopard print) of the culture is worth watching for comic relief.

I realized a while back that "reality TV" is so heavily scripted, I don't think it should be called "reality TV" anymore. It's just another type of sitcom. Ok, in general...TV is such a waste of time. There are only 3 channels I really like to watch...the History Channel, Discovery Channel and Turner Classic Movies. The other 200 plus channels don't do much for me. Ha!

Could my life be a reality TV show? Nope. Too boring. How about your life?

Cancer, A Shooting, A Jail Break...Oh My!

The title sounds like a joke, however, all have happened in my family over the past 2 months. My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Thankfully the Dr's think they caught it in time and he'll begin to undergo radiation therapy this month. My Dad is 6"1" slim and very active, so I've always thought of him as being in good shape. Unfortunately, I forgot cancer doesn't discriminate. My Dad is 2 decades shy of 100. When he began to talk to me about his treatment, he simply said, "I've lived 80 years...I've seen enough." Yep...that's my Dad. A realist to the end.

Out of the 11 years that I've been married, my husband has had quite a few deaths in his immediate and distant family. So far, this year there have been 4. Out of all of the deaths that have occurred and the funerals he has attended, I have never seen him cry. When his 19 year old nephew was killed in a drive-by shooting a week and a half ago, he cried a cry I had never seen before. I could tell his heart was broken and saddened. It was a life cut short when his nephew still had an entire life to live.

Ok, so "jail break" may not exactly fit the story...but it sounded great as a title. Ha! To make a long story short, a niece walked away (literally) with her young child in tow, from an opportunity to start a new life and to make things "right". Little does she know that she's not only disrupted other peoples lives, but she's also made her own life more difficult than it should be. I thank God the baby is in a safe place, but the whereabouts of my niece are unknown at this time.

Although I have been physically down, life around me continues to go on....the good and the bad. I just take it all in stride, one day at a time and just thank God for allowing me to live through another day.

The Results Are In!

So...the MRI of my cervical spine was the same...all jacked up. Every vertebrae herniated or bulging. The MRI of my right shoulder turned out to be bursitis. Ouch! I had NO idea how painful bursitis is. Looks like another 4-6 weeks of physical therapy for me. (I love my physical therapist. She allows me to do my therapy in the dark. Ha!) As for the pain of the degenerative disc disease, my meds were increased. My Dr was honest with me when I asked, "There really is no pain medication for nerve pain, is there?" and she responded, "Outside of the cortisone injections...no." So, the question in my head is, how does one live like this? I refuse to think that the state I'm in is permanent. I refuse to think this is the way God wants me to live the rest of my life...and with those thoughts, I begin to wonder, "What are my next steps?", "What am I doing wrong?", "What do I need to do now?", "How do I survive this?" :::heavy sigh::: But by the grace of God...

Chronic pain is no joke! I think when I try to describe it, people can't fathom constant pain. If there's any kind of relief, it's few and far between. And even when you feel relief, you dare not do anything to aggravate pain. Once aggravated, it consumes your day or night.

As I sit her typing, the pain patch I now wear doesn't take away the pain, it just makes me groggy and irritable. On top of that, the adhesive on the patch is breaking my skin out, so now I have read blotches surrounding a 2" x 3" clear patch. SHEESH! This is my life! lol

2010...So Far

I didn't forget about my blog, I just kept cringing at the thought of writing things that were not necessarily good news.

2010 started off okay. Work was busy and my performance at work was awesome (even if I do say so myself). By February, I started feeling tinges of pain hear and there but I initially ignored it and thought it would go away by itself. By the end of February, "it" was back. The same pain that took me out the last time...only this time it came back with a friend: a hellacious daily migraine! Even in February, I just tried to make it through the day. If I could make it through the work day, I could take my meds and collapse. When I called my pain management Dr, he wanted to see me. When he sees me that means an automatic 3-4 week process. I get cortizone shots at the base of my skull and then I have to wait (in pain) for the next 3-4 weeks to see if it works. The problem this time, is that it didn't work. After being dissapointed realizing it didn't work, I resorted back to my other meds...but this time the meds turned on me! I began to have adverse (mega-migraine) reactions to ALL...yes ALL the narcotics I had used in the past. I would take it at night and fall asleep only to wake up screaming in the middle of the night from the pain in my head. My poor husband would be at my side the entire time and it was the next day when he would tell me that my screaming and crying lasted for 1 hour, 2 hours or 3 hours. When I awoke, I would never know how long the ordeal lasted...only the pain.

In the midst of this saga I have also sprained my right shoulder (by simply rolling out of bed) and twisted my ankle and bruised my knee by falling while attempting to get to my car...while coming from a Dr's office visit. Ha! (I can laugh about it now.) Pain, pain and more pain. Wow. This happened within 2 weeks of each other. Needless to say, ice packs were my constant companions.

I never realized how efficient my workplace was regarding customer service until I started having to deal with governmental entities and businesses. Suddenly, my Dr's office takes 7-10 days to do EVERYTHING. To get a detailed note sent to my employer...7-10 days. To get scheduled for an MRI...7-10 days. Appointments are always scheduled 2-3 weeks out. How ridiculous! I walked in a government office for an appointment and actually heard the tapping of a typewriter. A typewriter?!? For real?!? The people that worked there looked miserable. No smiles, no laughter, no chatter, no "May I help you?" with a smile. It was more like, "What do you need?" as she decided to look up at me over the top of her glasses, after 60 seconds of me standing there went by. Oy vay!

Okay...back to me. I now affectionately call my bedroom "the cave". My windows are now layered with mini-blinds, shears, blankets and black fabric. Yep...that's my "cave"...my safe haven. Light and noise are the enemy right now. Heck! I even have to dim the light of my laptop all the way down just to use it. It's a good thing I take Vitamin D because the only time I get sun is when I have a Dr's appointment.

I have a Dr's appointment on Thursday to get MRI results from the previous week. Stay tuned.

Tithing and the Church

(Ok...bear with me. Sometimes my blog go south, so you never know what topic I'll have.)
I found the following blog quite interesting. http://bit.ly/5zfKRq Why? It all started with a conversation I had with my Mother a few months ago. My Mother was vocalizing some disappointment in the behavior of the "saints" in the church. We got on the topic of giving. Do churches coerce or guilt people into giving or are were people never meant to give as often as they're asked to? This was a question I asked my Mother. Her response led me to some further information gathering. She said, "When I grew up, we didn't go to church every Sunday? What I mean is, church wasn't held every single week." "It wasn't?" I said. She continued, "No. We went once a month. The churches all had service once a month." Now in my Mother's small Mississippi town, there were 4-5 churches and 3 different denominations. She went on to say, she grew up going to all different churches because whatever church was having service on that particular Sunday, you would just go. So my mother grew up half Baptist and half Catholic. lol
Side note:
The Catholic church my Mother attended was built by my great-great-great Irish grandfather. My Mother never knew she was attending a church her great-great grandfather built. I went to that church (in Natchez, MS) and the architecture was SO ornate it was hard to believe it was made with human hands. When the church staff found out who I was, I was treated like royalty...or an oddity. Not sure which one. Ha!
Back to the topic. My Mother began to explain how church was more people oriented, not program oriented. There were no mega churches, no Pastors in Mercedes Benz's and mansions, no church staff to be paid. Service (no matter the denomination) was about an hour and the rest of the day was spent visiting friends and relatives. Mind you, my parents grew up in the 30's and 40's and Black people congregating in one place was frowned upon, however, on Sundays it was tolerated.
There was no appeal for offering because as my Mother said, "Back then, we ALL were poor." The community usually built the church, the pews and the pulpit voluntarily, from scraps and donations, so there was no mortgage or rent to speak of. The Pastor had a day job or lived off of the offering from the 4 different churches he may Pastor in 2-3 different towns.
So with all that said, are some churches existing beyond what the congregation can afford to give? If so, shame on the church. How can a person comfortably receive spiritual food when they are being shamed into giving. That does NOT make a cheerful giver.
Oh well...just a little side rant.

All I Want For Christmas...Is A Miracle

I'll have to admit, I haven't created a Christmas list since I was one digit. It's not like God doesn't know what I want, but when I really began to think about it, it went something like this:
God, please heal:

1. All of the discs in my neck
2. The pain from the muscles in my upper back flaring up
3. The aching of my joints in my hands and fingers that was diagnosed as arthritis
   
4. The aching in my hips that was diagnosed as arthritis
   
5. The cyst on my left hand
6. The herniated discs in my lower spine
7. The torn tendon in my left knee
8. The cyst in my right knee
9. The constant swelling in my left ankle, which I believe to be a lymph issue
   
10. The wheat allergy
11. The migraine headaches
12. The metabolism issue
13. The hormone issue

All these things are within God's power to heal, so I'll just claim it and wait until it manifest! Please God, put my body back in the balance and harmony that you created it to have.

Finally...breathing again.

Have you ever felt like you had been holding your breath waiting for relief and suddenly you think, "I'm gonna die." but then suddenly you get to take a big, long, deep breath? Okay...maybe you haven't, but that's what my summer felt like. It was so long, so painful but after that last horrible ordeal with the injections in my head, I got to take a deep breath.
Am I 100%? No. My spine is crooked, so my body is very temperamental. I went to church a few weeks back for the first time since about April and I couldn't sit in the seat. Slowly, my left leg and foot went to sleep. I knew it was from a lack of circulation, so I had to get up and leave. The very same thing happened when I attempted to sit in the livingroom with my hubby and watch TV. My leg feel asleep and my back popped and I had to go back to the bedroom and lie down.
When I go to the grocery store (or anywhere for that matter) I know I have about a 1 hour window before my body starts giving me weird, pain signals. I know I need to do something to help my body get back to a more functioning state. Trying to decide what that is, is a bit of a conundrum.
On two occasions I've tried water aerobics. On BOTH occasions, I (somehow) ended up with an injury that made me quit. How do you injure yourself in water, you say? I can only deduce, when you're in the water, your spine expands and that's a good thing. Is it a good thing when the water expands a crooked spine? Not so much. Things then have the space to pivot in the wrong direction.
For now, I take it one day at a time. If I'm able to get out of the house, it's a blessing. If I'm not? Well...I'm just glad I have a home that I'm comfortable in, a husband that adores me and 2 dogs that are my comedy relief.