Pride and Fear; Humility and Trust

I had a revelation that hit me really hard. When I first got married, I thought if I could control the household and finances, my husband and I would be safe. I was reared to be financially responsible, know the importance of getting an education and to be a charitable adult with a full-time job, benefits and a 401(k). I had the better career and the greater salary. The house and cars were in my name. If I could maintain this state, we would be "set" for the rest of our lives...so I thought. I thought by doing these "right" things would please God.

Fast forward 11 years later (2010) and all "my" planning was turned upside down. I realize now that I never fully surrendered a part of my marriage to God. Yes, we both served as leaders in the church, however, I never surrendered my "home". There was a fear of things being out of my control. I wanted to blame my precautionary parents who grew up poor and during the depression era. I tried to declare that I was being a "Proverbs 31 woman". Yep...I tried it! (LOL) I realized that pride based in fear had been gripping me for years. I feared failing marriage...failing the life I thought my parents wanted me to live in order to be successful in their eyes. God humbled me. Those three words alone, make me fall to my knees. Now I know why the Bible says, "Humble THYSELF in the sight of the Lord..." because when HE humbles you, it's a devastating type of love so deep it surpasses your comprehension.

Since 1995, after a devastating car accident I began to have minor back problems. Fast forward to 1998 and once again, another car accident. I never knew two ruptured disks in the lumbar region could be so debilitating. I felt as though I had been living at the chiropractor's office for a few years. I can't really complain because it kept me functioning and able to work. This was the beginning of God humbling me. I no longer had control over anything, especially my body. As years past sometimes the pain was worse, sometimes it was better. By 2008, I began to feel pain in my neck. The diagnosis? Degenerative Disk Disease. An MRI showed almost every disk in my cervical spine was bulging or herniated. By now the medical bills were outrageous...even WITH medical insurance and the pain was getting more and more constant. The final blow was losing my job in 2010 (after 10 years of service) and chronic pain and horrific migraine headaches. Fear really began to grip me. I wondered how my husband and I would survive off of his income alone. It was a time where I kept having to declare that I trusted in God, but the medical bills and finances in general made me a bit fearful.

It has now been 10 years since I've been going through this surrendering season. Having initially been humbled by God, I now humble myself by surrendering all of my life and casting out all doubt and fear to receive His unconditional love for me. Every worry or fear I had, I've watched God turn it completely around for me and my husband's favor. I pray that humility and trust will continually be my "new" normal.