The Chronic Pain Chronicles, Part 11: A NEW Normal

 If you're looking at the date, yes, you've noticed that I haven't written or updated my blog in quite some time. What can I say? Life was "life-ing".  My last entry talked about this new thing called a giant cell bone tumor. It's been 4.5 years and I'm still in cancer therapy. I wish I could say I'm doing better but I've progressively gotten worse over time. My body seems to be slowly declining or as my husband once said, "It's like watching a person die extremely slowly."

There are times that I'm amazed that I'm still alive but I've learned a lot through this journey. I've learned that no matter how many degrees a physician has, or what specialty he taunts, they are still human and fallible. I currently have a PCP, 2 neurologist, 1 neurosurgeon, 1 oncologist and I happen to have the #2 pain specialist in the United States. I'm in an MRI machine about 2-3 times a year (the staff greets me by name as soon as they see me), had 2 years of cancer therapy that was monthly and now it's every 3 months (again, I'm greeted by name). THIS...is my new normal.

No one can foretell what your life will be like, but I certainly never thought it would be filled with medical appointments, lab work, MRIs and various medications. It still feels strange to wake up and still be tired, but anemia does that to a person. Since the opioid epidemic, physicians have replaced prescribed narcotics with muscle relaxers....as if we patients are too stupid to know the difference. So, to make us comfortable we're sleeping our lives away. Great! (Said sarcastically.)

Tipping in the U.S.A.

Tip /tip/ a sum of money given to someone as a reward for their services.

 

1. Who bamboozled people in the service industry into thinking they could count on unguaranteed, unpredictable and unstable tips as a means of income instead of (not in addition to…but instead of) a legal hourly wage?
2. At what point in history did employers feel like they had the right to know and discuss your tips and then manipulate your hourly wage based on what THEY think you can POTENTIALLY make (in tips)?
3. The very fact that you were chosen to be an employee means you seem capable to do the work and BY LAW, you should be PAID (at least) minimum wage. IF you happen to be a stellar performer at your job and are rewarded with tips by appreciative customers, whatever money you make should have never been and should never be a topic of discussion between the employee and employer in the first place. Your tips are YOUR tips! If anything, shouldn’t the EMPLOYER be rewarding you as well? Because satisfied customers are often repeat customers.
4.  Why do some people in the service industry assume that they SHOULD be tipped just because they work in the service industry?
5.  Tipping can easily be seen as another form of greed. Nice things use to be done as a common, human courtesy…and being courteous was free. Now people want to be rewarded extra for just showing up!
6. Why is tipping prevalent, expected and sometimes demanded in the service industry more than others? When I worked at a retail store (bull’s eye) and I stood on my feet for hours, I was a cashier, I stocked shelves, had to put together bicycles, lawnmowers and Christmas trees. I cleaned, dusted, lifted heavy boxes, priced product, cleaned up vomit and coffee spills, rocked crying babies, got cussed out when sale products were not in stock on the very first day of the sale, and had to be at a customer’s beck and call with a smile on my face and a pleasant demeanor. NEVER GOT A (monetary) TIP! 

Problematic: Census 2020

For the first time, the 2020 Census is a text field to write in your race! The checkboxes are still there and initially, some may find this to be a wonderful change. American citizens don't have to "fit" themselves into a box that is not a true description of who they really are. And that's good news, right? Well...it depends on how you look at it. Home DNA tests have armed people with a snapshot of their (predicted) genotypes. For some, this is a complete revelation. Can you imagine how many adoptees have learned for the first time in their lives that they aren't who they thought they were? Most assuredly, these individuals and others that have found their newly revealed genotype will have different answers than they had on the 2010 Census. 

Previous censuses had checkboxes that allowed the American government to collect the phenotypes of U.S. citizens. How gracious of our government to allow its citizens to place themselves in a category of boxes that didn't really reflect how diverse we really are. If the American government wants to collect the phenotypes of its citizens, why not ask that simple question? "What is your phenotype?" (A phenotype is "the set of observable characteristics of an individual resulting from the interaction of its genotype with the environment.") Most people want to know why the government even wants to know this information about its citizens. The answer is our traumatic history. The United States has a long history of abusing its own inhabitants. It started with the indigenous people of this continent and then moved on to slaves and then immigrants. The wealthy (typically) eurocentric have always found ways to misuse and abuse the less fortunate to their own greatest advantage. 

Why is this data even needed? An adequate explanation is given in the excerpt of the Census document posted:
"Ensure Equal Opportunity
Knowing the ethnic groups in a community in combination with information about housing, voting, language, employment, and education, helps government and communities enforce laws, regulations, and policies against discrimination based on national origin. For example, ancestry data are used to enforce nondiscrimination in education (including monitoring desegregation); to enforce nondiscrimination in employment by federal agencies, private employers, employment agencies, and labor organizations; and to enforce laws, regulations, and policies against discrimination in federal financial assistance (Civil Rights Act of 1964).
Understand Changes
 Knowing whether people from different backgrounds have the same opportunities in education, employment, voting, homeownership, and many other areas are of interest to researchers, advocacy groups, and policymakers. For example, ancestry data are used with age and language data to address language and cultural diversity needs in health care plans for the older population."
Excerpt of “Questions Planned for the 2020 Census and American Community Survey: Federal Legislative and Program Uses” document of the United States Census Bureau. March 2018,  https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/decennial/2020/operations/planned-questions-2020-acs.pdf. Accessed 27 Sep 2019

I predict that the data gathered from the 2020 Census is going to be the most ethnically diverse Census that has EVER been taken. 

Finishing Well, Part 2

Starting a task that someone else finishes had a whole different meaning to me while working in corporate America. I was new to this big company and within a year, I moved to a completely new department doing things that were so new to me that before I knew it, I realized I had just changed career paths. My new job was a newly created position. When I realized what my days would consist of, it was laughable. The work wasn't hard at all, just different. At the end of every day, I would think, "This is it? This is all they want me to do? Do they realize I came from IT working on company-wide projects and that I was training incoming contractors?" In less than a month I was bored and felt like the job was a total mistake. There I was, sitting in my cubicle waiting for a "hotline" to ring and filing paperwork. Every so often, I would have to prepare the training room. That consisted of setting up the classroom the way the trainer's wanted it, making sure there were pens, markers, paper, flipboards and snacks available at the beginning and cleaning up the room at the end. It felt like a demotion and I wanted to go back to IT. To make matters worse, I clashed with one of the colleagues because she edited a document I was working on without my permission. Had she given me constructive criticism or walked me through changes she suggested, it would have felt more like a learning curve than an all-out ridicule of my lack of documentation skills. Out of frustration, I shared how I really felt about the new job. Wrong move. As we left the meeting room, she went to her cubicle and I went to mine only to see her drop her things off at her cubicle and make a beeline to the Director's cubicle. All I heard was, "I was just in a meeting with...". Yes, she went directly to our superior and told him everything I said. How do I know this? Because he asked to speak to me later that day. I wasn't in trouble. He was sincerely concerned and asked me to hold on and not to make any decisions about my job until he could get our new immediately supervisor in place. I never confided in that colleague again and it also taught me to keep my mouth shut.

My very first big project was creating a 2-week orientation for my division. I was on the project team because as one of two assistants, I needed to know how to accommodate the various classes for the entire orientation. I have to admit, I was kind of excited until I realized I would have no other part in the orientation. I don't know what I was expecting but seeing my other colleagues teaching classes while I was passing out paper and pens was not what I imagined. I knew I could do a lot more than that and frankly a lot better than some of them. The very thing I helped create, I was no part of. Ouch! It did not feel good and I was not mature enough to think it was me releasing the project to those who would make it better and greater.

The coming months were filled with answering a hotline, filing, and cleaning and organizing a mess of training materials that had gone ignored for years. Some messes were so old that no one in the department knew anything about it. I kept thinking, "How could people leave something in such a mess?" It wasn't impossible to do, just irritating and tedious. After finally getting things organized and labeled, I remember thinking, "This will make it easier for the next person that comes along." That thought stuck in my brain and I continued to work in that same fashion. Keep your files organized in such a way that if someone else had to take it over within a moments notice, they would be successful doing it.

Fast forward 6 years. I was promoted and had become the program manager for the orientation I helped to start. When my Team Leader assigned the program to me, I was not happy. No, I was angry. The program (to me) was a mess and I did not want to clean up someone else's mess. My task was to streamline the orientation and make it shorter. I was supposed to cut out the fluff, take the kinks out of some IT issues and utilize existing processes that were untapped. Almost all of the colleagues I started with were now gone and in 6 years our orientation had gone from 2 weeks to 1.5 days. I also realized that my Team Leader had more faith in my abilities than I did.

In less than 2 years, our department merged, our team was scattered and orientation was little more than computer-based courses. In the final days, I made sure all of the projects I was working on were accessible and updated, no matter what phase they were in, so they could easily be continued on by the next person. I started that department pretty rough, but I finished it well.

Finishing Well, Part 1

Currently, I'm part of a group of woman who are reading a devotional together via a group text message. The devotional is by Priscilla Shirer and it's called, "Awaken, 30 Days with the God Who Speaks". The daily devotionals are like appetizers...small but packed with BIG flavor. The title of today's devotional is, "Finishing Well". The devotional encourages us to be led by God in releasing things when God says to release it. Often times, this may mean passing a project that we initiated, on to another person to complete. It gives an example of how God appointed David to begin the construction of the Temple Mount from its foundation, however, it was David's son Solomon who actually completed the work.

You may think that it is unfair how the very Temple that David began construction of gives little recognition to him. Since Solomon completed it, it became "Solomon's Temple" to the people. A name that gives no recognition to the man that laid the foundation. In today's world, buildings have a ceremony when the cornerstone is laid. The cornerstone is typically inscribed with the date of the groundbreaking as well as the architect, builder, and other significant people. In this way, those that started it are not forgotten. David was never (and has never been) really forgotten, however, I think part of the significance of what he did has been lost.

Gad the Prophet, instructed David to purchase a specific threshing floor. Why a threshing floor? A threshing floor is typically a hard, flat surface seen as having significant strength. Why that threshing floor? The specific threshing floor Gad directed David to was owned by a Jebusite named Araunah (or Ornan). What is even more significant is where the threshing floor was located. Mount Moriah! Yes, the same Mt. Moriah where Abraham was going to sacrifice his son to God. God (through Gad) directed David to a place where his 14th Great-Grandfather was about to make a sacrificial promise to God and because of his obedience, God promised Abraham that his seed would outnumber the stars and that Abraham would be the Father of many nations. The foundation that David laid for the temple was more significant than David may have even known.

David was approximately 37 years old when he purchased that threshing floor and began making the plans for the Temple. Surely he could have completed it before his death at age 70, right? Between David's sins, the misbehaviors of relatives, wars, and rebellions David didn't have time to progress the building of the Temple, but through overcoming all of those trials and winning wars he inadvertently protected that foundation. If David hadn't purchased it and protected it, Solomon would have had nowhere to build. Such is the significance of completing the task(s) that God has set before you and then knowing when to "pass the baton" for the next phases to be completed. David's contribution to the Temple was no less significant than Solomon's and the glory of it all belonged to God. Click here for part 2.

"6 I planted, Apollos watered, but God made it grow. 7 Because of this, neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but the only one who is anything is God who makes it grow. 8 The one who plants and the one who waters work together, but each one will receive their own reward for their own labor. 9 We are God’s coworkers, and you are God’s field, God’s building." I Corinthians 3:6-9

Part 2 | "...in sickness and in health." The part of your marriage vows you can't prepare for.

2018 started off in full speed. Dad was convalescing in a rehabilitation hospital, I was in physical therapy because of my neck, upper back and shoulder pain and my faithful husband was holding down the fort. Dad left the rehabilitation hospital on the iciest winter day of the year. He texted me, "It's good to be home." and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief...temporarily. My pain was increasing, I was sleeping on top of 3 heating pads and my husband was bewildered with worry. In the midst of this, cancer cells were found when the hospital he was treated at biopsied his gall bladder. I was hoping from my Dad's appointments to my own, all while bearing the pain as much as possible. 

Finally, I couldn't bear my own pain anymore. There were a few times that my husband would ask me if I was okay and I would lie and say, yes I knew if I said, "No.", he would try to stay at home from work with me and that would just make me feel even more guilty. The final day of my PT, I drove all the way there and back home through tears. PT wasn't working and they referred me back to my neurosurgeon.  The neurosurgeon that I was working with (for what I thought was a pinched nerve in my neck), dismissed me and referred me to a rheumatologist when (at my last appointment) I complained that PT wasn't working and I was still in pain. Three days later, I landed in the ER (of a research hospital) where they found a Giant Cell Bone Tumor in my cervical spine.

What I thought was going to be a 3-4 hour ER visit ended up being a 10-day hospital stay. This had to be the worst period of my entire life. My husband became like a superhero to me. During my most painful moments in the hospital, God would have him supernaturally appear out of nowhere. I remember saying to God, "THIS is why you chose him as a husband for me." By the time I left the hospital, I couldn't move my left arm,  my right arm was extremely weak and I couldn't care for myself at all. I was like an infant who had to be bathed, clothed and fed. That's exactly what my husband did for almost 6 weeks. He bathed me, washed my hair, clothed me and fed me with such an unconditional Godly kind of love. I don't know of any other man who could withstand all of my sicknesses with such love, patience, kindness, compassion, and grace. And to think, God chose him just for me. 

My gratitude toward my husband far outweighs the guilt I still sometimes get burdened with and one of the biggest blessings that has come out of these past 2 years is that it caused my husband and me to be closer, stronger in faith and in unconditional love for each other. God showed His all-encompassing love for me through my husband.

I love you, Patrick.

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”  1 Peter 4:8
“But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”  Psalm 86:15
“Let all that you do be done in love.”  1 Corinthians 16:14
“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:13

Part 1 | "...in sickness and in health." The part of your marriage vows you can't prepare for.

"...in sickness and in health. Til death do us part." Most of us stated this as a part of our marriage vows and at the time, never thought about the impact it would make on our marriage. If you are like me, you thought sickness and death were FAR into the future of your marriage. Well, here I am 20 years after reciting those vows and the reality of that part of our vows has come to its fruition MANY times. Between my spouse and I, we have endured Graves Disease, hormonal imbalances, GERD, Arthritis, Carpal tunnel, cysts, tumors, etc. Most of our ailments we were able to walk through carefully by the grace of God, but stay married long enough and there will be other debilitating illnesses that will test every facet of your marriage.

Chronic migraines shifted our lives 180° about 9 years ago (in 2010). The pain plunged me into a black hole. I went from a successful career as a globe-trotting corporate trainer and project manager to being bedridden, with black fabric against my windows, only able to tolerate the screen of my old 2nd generation Apple iPod Touch and reading subtitles because I couldn't tolerate noise. I know that there were at least 4 solid years where I stayed in my dark bedroom, with the covers over my head. It seemed as though anything I did triggered a migraine. From something as simple as chewing to showering. I could have never imagined that a sudden migraine would cause me to have to spit my food out because I couldn't tolerate the pain from chewing or I couldn't shower because the water drops hurt my head and I couldn't brush my teeth because the abrasiveness of even the softest toothbrush would cause my head to hurt. I was completely debilitated, could no longer work and filed for SSDI. Although I was suffering, for my spouse it meant no cooked meals, no clean house, no vacations, no date nights, no social interaction, no celebration of birthdays, anniversaries or holidays and no sex. When I think about those days, I can only remember that I watched a lot of Korean dramas (because of the subtitles), had a lot of appointments with my neurologist and tried a lot of different prescription drugs that didn't work. One of the worst parts of my migraines was the excruciating migraine pain that would wake me from my sleep in the middle of the night. According to my husband, I would wake up screaming and crying because of the pain. He said he learned that an ice pack would cause me to instantly go silent and fall back to sleep. Unfortunately, I don't remember all of those episodes and my husband didn't get a lot of sleep. My "migraine terrors" literally drove my spouse from our bedroom for almost 2 years. He was so triggered by every sound I made in the middle of the night that he had to sleep on the couch in our living room in order to get a full night's rest. Eventually, I collected 5 different migraine hats (that are kept in our freezer) and the ability to be conscious enough to help myself during those migraine terrors that occurred in the middle of the night. My husband has competed as a novice in bodybuilding, been a personal trainer and a health and wellbeing advocate for years. When my migraines were at their worst, all of his own activity ceased as well. He rushed home from work every single day to check on me and prepare dinner. Over time, he gained more weight than he ever had before and did nothing physically for his own wellbeing.

I was immersed with guilt. The guilt of not contributing to the household financial weighed heavily on me. We were now living from paycheck to paycheck. I couldn't do anything. My husband cleaned, cooked, did laundry and paid all the bills. He probably felt like a bachelor all over again, save the human log that lived in the bedroom. For years, it was like we couldn't catch a break. Added to the chronic migraines was chronic pain. Then in 2017, my husband had a tumor scare. It was benign and with an out-patient surgery all was well...or so we thought. About 3 months later, I found myself in the ER headed for emergency surgery because of a gangrenous gall bladder. For almost 8 weeks my husband had to be my "nurse", cleaning, packing and unpacking my gall bladder opening. I thank God for his humility and compassionate heart. I really don't know what I would have done without him. Four months after my "gallbladder summer", the holiday season was in full swing, except I didn't feel like swinging so much. I had a nagging pain in my neck and shoulders that kept getting increasingly worse. I really didn't have time to pay attention because right before Christmas my Dad ended up in the same ER as I did just 6 months prior and had to have emergency surgery to remove...his gallbladder! For about 6 weeks, I endured my pain getting progressively worse and concentrated on the health and wellness of my elderly parents.

After my Dad got home and settled, by now I was in physical therapy and it wasn't having any effect on my pain. And then I woke up one morning and my left shoulder wouldn't move. Continued in Part 2.

Instead of helping you take out your smartphone to record?!?!?!

Before you read any further, please watch the following video.

Pretty cool thing to happen on an early Saturday morning, right? It's not every day that air balloons land right in front of your house. It was great! It was exciting but in the midst of it, I had about 5 seconds where my heart stopped and I was in disbelief. Right before the picture at 0:21, I had yelled to the balloonists, "Do you need any help?" "Yes!" they yelled back. The picture shows my husband running to the balloon in his bare feet. I then expected people to run to his aid to help. As I filmed (in my pajamas), I saw in my peripheral vision people walking up to help. Or so I thought. When they weren't approaching my husband or the balloon, to my amazement, everyone was recording with their phones! I was horrified until I realized that my husband was totally phone and proceeded to assist a second balloon land.

Social media has affected our society in unimaginable ways. The need to feed our voracious viral community has sometimes manipulated and at other times dulled our senses. Random acts of human kindness are replaced with staged and scripted acts all for the sake of views or likes. Everyone wants to be the first to upload, post or tweet just in case it goes viral. Because in social media, going viral is equated with doors of opportunity opening. Having a viral video opens up the possibility of being on "The Ellen Show" or getting sponsors, commercials or starting your own YouTube channel. The end game is that it's all about the money.

There is a common denominator that most heroes, heroines and good samaritans have. Selflessness. They're too busy helping and assisting to think about video recording for the sake and possibility of becoming a viral video star. Often times, their acts of kindness are never seen, heard or spoken of.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying video recording is wrong, but it definitely has its pros and cons. It's definitely a con, when you see someone in need of help and instead of running to their aid, you take out your smartphone to record.

As you see in the video, my husband stayed with the balloon that needed his help the most. He stayed with that balloon until the very end until they were ready to deflate it. No fanfare. No appreciation. He was just a kind human who wanted to help...selflessly.

My husband. My hero.

Let's talk about right and wrong actions before we talk about race. Cukor Vs Michel

https://www.doorking.com

Unless you've been living under a rock, we've all heard the names. "Permit Patty", "Golfcart Gail", "Cornerstone Carol", "Dog Park Debbie", "BBQ Becky", just to name a few. All nomenclatures that were given to White women who have called the police on African-Americans for petty things. I typically roll my eyes about the unfortunate incidences. I always feel like I can end things cordially before they escalate. I always feel like there has to be some civil way or just...walk away. That's the way my parents reared me. 

Recently there was another incident. Christopher Cukor called the police on Wesley Michel, an African-American man, calling him a "trespasser" and that he was "tailgating" into an apartment complex. This whole situation should have ended when Cukor said, "Great. Could you please call your friend on the call box...?" Mr. Michel could have said, "Sure. Thanks for holding the door." or "She doesn't know I'm coming because it's a surprise." or "My bad. Wasn't trying to act all creepy by bypassing your security measures here." So, you're asking me, a resident who is paying to live in that apartment with that specific security measure in place to just let you walk in because I happen to make it convenient to do so by walking out at the same time you come up to the door???? When is it okay to bypass any security measure or protocol when walking into a building? If I am a resident of a building that has certain security measures in place for me and my family's protection, I don't want ANYONE to bypass them, not friends or other family members. The call box is there for a reason. So, yes! "Tee-Tee", "Big Momma", "Uncle" and "Grandaddy" HAVE TO use that call box! (And having a southern Mother, etiquette would dictate that any gentleman caller would need to speak to me prior to arriving on my doorstep.)

If Cukor hadn't been there at the time that Michel walked up, what was Michel going to do? Probably 1 of 3 things: Use the call box, call his friend via his smartphone or keep on walking down the street. This situation should never have escalated to this "viral" level. Groupthink caused people to react and immediately side with Wesley Michel because initially, it looks like another White man going after a Black man, however, if you do just little bit of critical thinking, it's obvious who was at fault if you ask yourself the question, "What made these two men happen to engage each other?" Cukor resides in the building. Cukor is walking out of his building (which is essentially like his front door) with his child. As he is walking out of a door that is locked 24/7, a man grabs the door before it can shut and starts to let himself in. At this point, the only adverse thing that is happening is that Wesley Michel is attempting to circumvent the security protocol of the apartment complex. This is the root of the problem. As a resident in the building, Cukor has the right to question any situation that goes against the security measures set for the building. Wesley Michel added insult to injury thinking that circumventing the security measure was okay. Why would a person think they have the right to circumvent the security measure that I'm paying for as a resident of this apartment complex? How about we talk about right and wrong before talking about race?

And the pleas of the little boy...so sad. The child is old enough to have seen or heard of far too many examples of "police + African-American man = not a good situation" and was attempting to diffuse it by begging his Father to leave. People want to fault Cukor for not acknowledging his son's pleas, but if a parent is thinking they are protecting you, they are going to protect you despite how you act or feel.

Gender Is Not Fluid And Is Problematic

I was watching the Today Show this morning and they had a segment called, "An inside look at the blurring of gender lines". As I watched it, I was a bit confused. I was wondering what made people in American think gender is fluid? Gender is a word that means either of the two sexes (male and female). That's it. Sounds simple to me. So, how can it be fluid? I don't have all of the answers but this sounds like a case of semantics. It sounds like there is a need to discuss the definitions of gender, sexual identity and sexual preference.

As of today, the United States government has made no official acknowledgment or definition of non-binary or unspecified gender. The states have taken it upon themselves to allow non-binary gender markers on identification documents. I'm sure there are various reasons why someone would declare themselves as gender "x" and I hope it's worth the time, energy, attention, and finances they can potentially incur for the sake of having that status.

Recently, I read an article where a state is now allowing gender "x" as an option on driver's licenses. I see that as being potentially problematic in the future. "x" is basically an unknown gender to the person that sees it on documentation. Things that are unknown have a tendency to take an exponential amount of time, energy and sometimes finances. There are a plethora of things that are intentionally separated by 2 genders. Prisons, bathrooms, locker rooms, hospital rooms are intentionally separated by 2 genders. When a 3rd is added, won't it result in mishaps, extra added expenses or accommodations? In 2018 Forbes article stated the U.S. was one of "The World's Most Crowded Prison Systems". Is the prison system willing and able to accommodate gender "x"? Probably not. So, if you are unfortunate and end up in the prison system, your gender "x" status may not mean anything. Perhaps as a gender "x" you're admitted to a hospital. The potential for a fatal mishap increases significantly. Why? Because in the field of medicine there are not only gender-specific diseases but also gender-specific drug effects. The time it would take for medical staff to determine if a gender "x" patient required medication and/or dosage that was specific to male or female may result in misdiagnosis, misadministration or much worse, death. More than likely, the "x" gender person may be forced to choose one gender or the other in a lot of situations, so I guess I'm not understanding the point of declaring it at all. This societal construct of a third gender (x) seems like more trouble than it's worth. Individuals that have to face the landscape of determining medical treatment based on hormone levels rather than gender are individuals that are intersex or have ambiguous genitalia. This is irrefutably necessary because of their physical development. Without these (or any other) physical reasons, determining yourself as gender "x" seems more like a product of groupthink and part of this era that feels the need to affix self-proclaimed labels and statuses based on your "truth" or individuality.

If you've continued to read this far, you've probably decided that this blog is the rantings of a "cisgender person preaching cisnormativity", let me be clear, I have no qualms about the descriptives you use to define yourself, your sexual preference or orientation. You can declare the color of your skin sarcoline, wenge or eburnean, have a sexual affection for trees and worship the god of dirt or ants but legally, on a state or government issued identification, it would be in your own interest (for health and safety) to specify what gender you are currently. For those individuals that are individuals that are intersex or have ambiguous genitalia, I would hope most have already completed the medical diagnostics to determine the percentage of male and female hormones that they produce and for the purpose of getting accurate and appropriate medical attention the greater % of hormone would be determined as their gender.

There are always exceptions but it is rare that human genes, blood type, and gender biologically (as opposed to cosmetically) change after you're born. When people speak of gender fluidity, it sounds like a self-proclaimed and self-described gender identity that is not fixed or set and is based on an emotional or psychological level. This is not the same as your gender. Again, gender is a word that means either of the two sexes (male and female). So, my conclusion is that gender in and of itself is not fluid. (Yes, I said it. Gender is NOT fluid.) Until it takes more than a human female ovum and a human male sperm to produce a human being, IT...IS...NOT...FLUID. (Why not? Because a bunch of unfertilized ovum that sits around for a month produces nothing but menstruation along with cramps, nausea, pain, etc.)

When a new word or phrase starts trending through social media, I always try my best to understand it. I want to know where this word or phrase came from and why it came to be. If I didn't do my due diligence in researching it and asking questions, I could easily fall into the pit of groupthink. And although groupthink can be powerful, it is not always correct. Understanding "gender fluid" begins with the correct definition of it as well as the correct definitions of other gender-based identifiers. Gender is the way you were born biologically (or hormonally), sexual identity is what you proclaim yourself to be (in your mind, heart or soul, if you will) and sexual preference is who you've chosen to love romantically. If a conversation is had, let's start it from a place of true and accurate definitions.

The Hidden Expense of Newspaper Obituaries

My Father passed away in May 2018 from stage 4 living Cancer. Three weeks before he passed away (and when he was at his sickest, I was hospitalized battling a cancer issue as well. My parents had already prepaid their cemetery plots and headstones years ago and a few years earlier I decided to write my parents' obituaries while they were alive. It sounds a bit morbid, but it makes total sense. While alive, I was able to ask them details about where they lived, the correct spellings of names and if they wanted anything special added. I placed those obituaries on a cloud server and had given 2 other siblings access. I never would have imagined that my preparation was exactly what was needed at the time. I was hospitalized at the time that my Father's funeral was being planned. I was able to remind one of the siblings where his already written obituary was and it was a relief to my entire family that it was already written. Attempting to write an obituary at such an emotional time can be daunting.

Our relief quickly turned into disappointment when we realized how much it cost to place an obituary in the newspaper. My Father was the first close family member that has died, where I was somewhat intimately knowledgeable about the details of his funeral preparations. When my Brother began to place my Dad's obituary in the local newspaper, he was almost stymied at the expense of it. $100.00 per line! At a minimum, most people give the date, time and location of the funeral but after people have incurred the high priced burial expenses, allotting a substantial amount of money (to most) for a newspaper obituary doesn't make the cut. I recently read that the New York Times charged $263 for the first 4 lines and an additional charge for a picture. Some Newspapers charge you one price for a colored photo and another price for black & white. There's another charge depending on the size of your photo. The cost of obituaries in Newspapers is obvious price gouging during a time of mourning and it is exploitive. Most are totally opting out of this time-honored tradition that used to hold the memory of their loved one for years to come. People are now turning toward posting on the funeral home website (which is temporary) or other internet sites that are free.

There's a hidden expense that the lack of a newspaper obituary incurs that most don't think about. The expense lies in the form of history and memories. As the family genealogist, newspaper obituary archives are goldmines for family history. As I continue to fill my family tree full of thousands of names, obituaries from the past allow me to verify the names, locations, and dates of relatives from several generations back. Sometimes the obituaries of the past have allowed me to connect to relatives I didn't even know I had. Reading older obituaries is like having a short conversation with an ancestor. For a moment, the location, the people and the stories live again to be passed down to generations to come.

In my genealogical research, it appears that newspaper obituaries start to decline in the 1980s. They have all but disappeared (in my local paper) for minorities in general. My own Father's online obituary consists of two sentences and every time I see it, it saddens me. "(insert name here) passed away on (insert date here). (insert name here) was a resident of (insert state) at the time of passing."

Two sentences.